Dear Edward, Guess Why I Love You
by AngiJ
Summary: A funny, witty and cute one-shot with a letter resulting in a conversation between Edward Cullen and one of his admirers going over a fangirl's love for EC! It's a sweet tribute to fan fictions in general, as well as a few of my favorite fan fics.


Dear Edward,

I love you. I really, really love you.

I'm guessing I am some sort of shield like Bella because clearly, you can't read my mind or you'd already know how much I love you, and the main reason why. Care to take a guess?

Oh, no – you silly vampire. I am not a typical fangirl; you will have to think about this, but I am confident you will be able to figure out the main reason I love you. Just get your prude ass mind out of the early 1900s. Get some tips from the Edward in "_Alphabet Weekends_" – that Edward I love because prudish, he is not! How Yoda-esque of me. LOL. I digress.

Why are you so unwilling to guess? I don't understand. Have I offended you? I sprayed the letter with strawberry spritz - it doesn't stink, does it?

This makes no sense. You don't want to guess because it makes you feel like a dumb oaf? You don't see yourself very clearly. Is it the golden haze from your freakish eye color? Shall I have Alice make an appointment with the eye doctor. Are there special vamp-eye-re doctors? Ha! Okay - sorry - don't nag - I won't digress.

Okay - you want to try one guess as to the main reason I love you? Yes, I will be very still. I'm holding still - and waiting.

**GUESS #1: I LOVE EDWARD CULLEN BECAUSE . . . of B.S.? **No. Wrong. Lame guess Edward.

I don't love you because you're with B.S. That's actually a deterrent. Not that I wouldn't consider some girl on girl fun, but NOT with SM's B.S. I don't discriminate against the handicapable, but I am not into anyone who has nervous ticks causing them to bite their lip constantly, or that prevent them from standing tall. Is the lip biting a form of Tourette's? It's annoying to me. Also, humility is great, but B.S. displays a total lack of self awareness. I know Forks is a small town, but if you are that oblivious, see a therapist. Hell, maybe Jasper can help her, or set Rosalie on her to straighten her out. Confidence is good.

Suffice it to say, your obsession with B.S. is not the main reason I love you, and is in fact a drawback. That is a shitty guess. B.S., shitty - get it? Too funny.

Now, if you were with Bella Swan from "_Spy Games_" - I might love you for that reason. Spy Games' Bella is a kick-ass professional, kinky, smart, confident, hot as hell, doesn't fall on flat surfaces, and is not socially inept. Yes, that Bella may get me to love you - but B.S. – NO! Let's not mention this again.

Oh, here we go with the self deprecating negativity. You are not a dumbass loser monster. Come on Edward - guess again. Please?

**GUESS #2: I LOVE EDWARD CULLEN BECAUSE . . . he's hot?** Oh, you think I love you because you're hot. No - err - actually you're cold. I'm thinking maybe you are a little dumb.

Ohhhh - you mean, you think I love you because you are a HOTTIE? Okay, that makes sense. But, erm – your hotness is not the main reason I love you. I mean, yes, you are clearly a hottie, when you don't look constipated, which is ironic since vamps don't eat and therefore have no bowel movements that could be blocked and cause constipation, but I digress. Okay, okay - stop being such a vamp-whiner. I am getting back on track.

Yes, a hottie you are (Yoda is creeping back in – hold on while I beat his ass down – this is not a crossover fic Yoda - your ass, get out here from), but that is not the main reason I love you. Your hotness is just a perk.

If you had "_Edward Wallbanger_" level hotness . . . hmmm, that would be a different story. Well, yes, that is literally a different story, but I meant that in that case, I might actually just love you for your looks. That Edward is smoking! His characterization reminds me of Bradley Cooper – don't know why, but it does. That's one of the few fan fiction Edwards where I don't picture you as Robert Pattinson. Edward from "Decoy" is another one - that Edward makes me think of Flynn from Glee. Yes, that is strange. Go figure. Sorry, I digress again. Don't be such a girl. It's not like you have anything but time.

Wait – say what? You want to just quit? What's wrong with you? So you don't get the right answer immediately, and you need a break. What's that? You need to get away and think? Oh, okay - I guess. Yes, you can continue reading when you get back from Alaska. This is a letter - it'll keep.

Oh hi, Edward. You're back. You couldn't stay away from the letter, eh? It was singing to you? That's odd. It's a letter, not lyrics. Yes, I know you have musical training, but I didn't realize your training gave you the ability to make this letter into lyrics, but far be it for me to argue with a 108 year old vamp.

How was Alaska? Get it on with T? Oh, wait - forgot. You = prude. Never mind.

So, I see you are ready to guess. Seriously? You take a break for some time to find yourself, and your third guess is . . .

**GUESS #3: I LOVE EDWARD CULLEN BECAUSE . . . of his velvety voice?** Third time is NOT a charm.

You think I love you because of your smooth, velvet, melodic voice? WTF? It's not your voice. You sound alright, I guess. In all honesty, in the movie, in the opening line of "Hello" in Biology – your voice sounded like that of a constipated parrot. It was really odd. Why was that no redubbed? It was bad! The voice improved after that, but sadly - you guessed wrong again.

Now, if you had the voice of Edward from "_Tropic of Virgo_", I would have to give this to you. Yes, _TOV_ Edward can whisper dirty nothings in my ear, hum a lullaby to me as I fall asleep and give me rumbling growls when we have some fun, but no, your voice is not the main reason I love you.

What's that? Why are you telling me to hide? Some baddie vamps are trying to get a copy of this letter? They're coming after me? Oh, no problem - point them to the computer. I have wi-fi. The letter is on line; no need to come after me. What? Your family killed the main baddie vamp? Really, a little extreme - it's only a letter. But thanks for protecting this letter.

So, back to your guess. I want to reassure you – you are not dumb. Don't sulk – you look even more constipated. Hey, maybe your family can help?

**GUESS #4: I LOVE EDWARD CULLEN BECAUSE . . . he's a vampire? **Getting down to the basics, eh? Well, back to square one is where you're at. This is NOT right!

This is the guess of a coven of intelligent vampires? Really? Sorry Edward – maybe your whole family is dumb. Just a thought, no offense. It's obvious that you are a vampire. But I told you, I am not a typical fangirl. Just merely being a vampire could never be the reason I love you.

You're not that fine piece of vamp from "_And With Thee Fade Away_" Nope, definitely not - _niyet_. That fine vampy specimen is like Eric Northman, but with Bill Compton's voice saying "Souhkheeeay" - now that's the perfect vamp. Nice try, Cullens.

Aw geez. Jasper's trying to grab the letter. I know he's your brother and all, but Jasper is really strange. Can vamps have thyroid disorders? Oh, no reason - just wondering. Actually, I thought maybe the thyroid problem caused his strange bugged out eyes. Never mind. What - you sucker punched Jasper? Why? Relax - it's okay. You are NOT putting my letter in danger. It's posted on the internet - chill out!

Oh, you give up? What? You're leaving? Why? The letter is not in jeopardy because of you, and you are not dumb. The reason I love you is difficult to figure out. Wow - you are leaving because you're too dumb for me? That doesn't even make sense. For real? No, I will not promise you anything. You're leaving. This is lame.

I feel kinda bored. I guess you really did leave. I wrote Jacob a letter - I asked him to tell me his secret to getting all beautiful like. He's pretty open and has written me me his secrets - sun, gym, beef patties. Eww... gross.

Besides corresponding with Jacob, I've been a little reckless. I cannot help myself. I'm starting to read smutty fanfics – I can imagine you when I read them. Damn – those one-shots in the _Dirty Talking Edward_ contest are just amazing! I am even starring in my own smut ff in my head. What? I said SMUT, not _SNUFF_. Recreational Smut. Alice's whacked out - I'm fine. She gave me your cell phone. I'm calling you in Italy. No, Edward - you still exist. Yeah, yeah - you're fine. Open your eyes, and just continue reading my letter.

Oh, good. You want to guess again until you get it right? Cool - that's the spirit! So, I have a good feeling about this next guess. Lay it on me.

**GUESS #5: I LOVE EDWARD CULLEN BECAUSE . . . of his gentle nature?** No, wrong - on many, many levels.

Oh - you're guessing I love you because of your gentle nature? Uhm... sorry - not sure how to break this to you - DEFINITELY not. In fact, could you try getting a little "_Master of the Universe_" on me? You have a really big house - can you make a _playroom_? No, not to play X-Box. A _playroom._ No, Emmet will not be disappointed it's not for X-Box. He'll like this too. That's totally hot.

What? I ask you to get MOTU on me, and you arrange to be the commencement speaker at my graduation next week? Really – that's what you take away from that fan fic? Yeah, err - thanks.

Wait, hold on – I just got a letter from Jacob. He really wants me to be his exclusive pen pal. Edward – you do too? I don't know what to do – is it even possible to have two pen pals at the same time? I think it is. I have a lot of say. You want me to try text messaging so that we can three way text? I guess, we can try that - it'll be like camping in a tent. I'll let Jacob do most of the talking though - he's better at guessing than you Edward. What? You told Jacob you would be guessing forever, and that I'd have no time to text Jacob? That's immature. He stopped texting me. Ugh, he's immature too. Great - now some baddie vamp took my phone? No more texting to anyone.

Oh wait – here's my phone back! Yay! Cool - you and Jacob worked together to get it back. You guys rock.

So, back to your guess, Edward. Tell me why I love you.

What? You'll only tell me on one condition? What's the condition? You want me to write a T rated fanfic about you and then you'll guess? Lame. I don't want to write. My parents are really good writers, so I didn't grow up writing. It scares me a little, and I don't think that writing is a necessary thing for everyone. I just want to read the stuff. God - you are such a stubborn prude.

Okay - fine - what if I recommend a good T rated fanfic, and then a good M rated fanfic? Okay, sure prude – the M rated fan fic will not be too smutty. Then, will you give me what I want - a final really, really good guess? Oh - yay! It's a deal.

Okay, so for T rated, "_The Locker Next Door_" is really sweet. You will really like it. I also like "_Type O Negative"_. And for M, well - "_Bella Swan: Kidnapper"_. I really like that story. It's fun and different. No, it isn't too smutty. Relax.

So, now - your turn big guy!

What? Really – after all that, your guess is . . .

**GUESS #6: I LOVE EDWARD CULLEN BECAUSE . . . he lives in my head?** WTF? Are you calling me crazy? Don't make me go all Bella from _"Edward Cullen: Purse Snatcher"_ on your ass! Ohh - proximity - that's why you think I love you? ROFLMAO. Uh - no. Wrong. You're an epic fail at this, you know?

Proximity (along with a clothing deficit) only works for Edward in "_The Naked Guy Upstairs_". If you were _"TNGUS_" Edward, then yes, fo' shizzle - proximity would definitely make me love you. Who doesn't want a hot, naked upstairs neighbor to love? Speaking of "_TNGUS_" – I also picture that Edward as Bradley Cooper. I think it's the way his smile is described. Okay – don't nag. I won't digress. You're really like an old bat. LOL – vamp, bat… get it? Okay, okay. Moving on - you're not Edward from "_TNGUS" _so, no it's not proximity – LOL, ROFLMAO, HA HA, HA.

Oh crap, I am starting to pee my pants - you are just too funny. I really feel like peeing! Wait, can vamps make humans pee their pants? What? Carlisle said he thinks so? Damn, he should have told me earlier. I was just at the pharmacy - I could've picked up Depends. Thanks a lot Dr. Cullen.

Whatevs. Look, Edward - you clearly are not going to guess correctly – and it's obvious it's not the brain power. I guess I can just tell you. This is so anti-climactic. Huh - what? Some Italian vamps are coming to get the letter before you read it . . . why? Seriously, are ALL vamps dumb? THE LETTER IS ON LINE. Is there internet in Italy? Okay - whatever- let them come. Can you go all "_Emancipation Proclamation_" on their ass Edward? Oooh - sexy Principo. Mafiaward is majorly sexy! Nice. That's settled.

Okay - Edward. I'll tell you the main reason I love you. Dun Dun Dun.

**I love you Edward Cullen, because you have inspired so many wonderful fan fics that leave me smiling sweetly, panting breathlessly, laughing hysterically, pondering deeply, sobbing uncontrollably, worrying nervously [and occasionally rubbing furiously ;)] or any combination thereof. You have inspired so many wonderful stories that keep me entertained and let me escape into completely different worlds whenever I feel like it. You have opened up a whole new universe beyond the Twilight Saga original books, and for that Edward Cullen, I love you. All the other reasons are just added benefits!**

Love Always,

AngiJ

A/N: So, why do you love Edward Cullen?


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